On Identity

In the time since my last post, I have been continuing to ponder myself and my life since leaving my job. I haven’t blogged since that time because I haven’t felt like I have had anything new to say. This blog is about my growings and I don’t think I have grown very far in this area to really move on yet. So, I’ve decided to write about where I’m at. In wrestling through this transition, the same questions keep rolling through my mind: Who am I? What is my identity?

Identity is a strange concept. When I struggle with defining my identity during this transition, these questions of “who” and “what” baffle me. If I am wondering who I am, is an identity a person? If I ask what my identity is, is identity a thing? In our culture, when we try to get to know someone’s identity, we ask, “What do you do?” as if identity is somehow wrapped up in a task. And, let’s be honest—we subconsciously rank professions, don’t we? Surely this is why I am struggling so much with my identity since leaving my job. I somehow now feel inferior.

I suppose at this point, I need to make a confession. I don’t think I have ever had a strong sense of my individual identity—whatever or whoever that is. I came from a family with a lot of needs and, frankly, we defined ourselves by our joint ability to keep the family afloat. While the concept of “There is no ‘I’ in team” is a valid one, it left me at a loss for individuation. This teamwork mentality, or the concept that the individual only exists as a part of the whole, has, in my assessment, lead to an erroneous tendency on my part to define myself, and subsequently my value, by what I do for others. Being in the people-helping profession certainly did not discourage this habit. Motherhood does not lend itself to this way of thinking. It is monotonous and often thankless (not that I’m complaining) so one doesn’t feel like she does very much. So, we are back to, Who am I when I don’t do “anything”?

In the need for some peace in this matter, I did some research. I learned that Webster defines identity as, “the distinguishing character or personality of an individual”. So, from that definition, I must conclude that identity has nothing to do with an action. That’s going to be a hard mentality to change! I admit, I am naturally task-oriented! Apparently, nothing I do has anything to do with defining my identity. Indeed, identity is a noun—a thing—a “character” or “personality”. As I let this sink in, I noticed a wave of encouragement pass over me. Even as I write this, I must pause to let it pass over me again.

If my identity has had nothing to do with my behaviors, then changing my behaviors has done nothing to change my identity. All along, I have felt like I have needed to redefine myself as a mom because the things I do as a stay-at-home mom are different than the things I did as an employee. Apparently, this isn’t so!

I read a quote recently which read, “It took nine months of growing for your baby to be born. Allow yourself the same amount of time to grow into being a mom.” I cannot tell you how encouraging this was when I read it! While motherhood indeed comes with countless new tasks I must learn to master, I must remind myself that doing so has no bearing on my identity. So, then, when I am growing into being a mom, what does this mean?

This week, I am growing (slowly but surely) in the understanding that I am the same person—I have the same identity—as I did when I was working. Indeed—my “distinguishing character and personality” have not changed. The only thing that is different is how these traits are lived out and applied. While my life has been changed forever in so many ways, I take great comfort in realizing there is something that has remained solid. Now, my next task, and no small one at that, is to identify what those enduring traits are.

As your life goes through changes, I encourage you to examine yourself. Do you have a tendency to define yourself and your identity by what you do? Do you allow others to do the same? Instead of falling in to this trap, ask yourself: What are the enduring traits of who you are that remain constant? How have those features of “distinguishing character and personality” steered you through shifting waters? Instead of asking yourself, “Who am I?” ask yourself, “What am I made of?”

I encourage us all to think of identity as individual bricks. Each brick is a trait of “distinguishing character and personality”. When we build our sense of self using these stable God-given qualities, we build for ourselves a solid foundation that cannot be swayed with the winds of change. So, explore with me—what are you made of?