Transitions

What is it about the topic of working vs. stay-at-home moms that evokes so much controversy? Why do people feel the need to impose their personal opinions on a person in whose shoes they do not walk? Worse yet, it has been my observation that no matter what a mom chooses—work or stay home—she is going to get an earful!

I have two very dear friends--both fantastic moms. One chose to stay home after completing a Master’s degree. All she hears is, "You spent all that money just to stay home? What a waste!" My other friend chose to go back to work, and all she hears is, "How can you leave your children? Is your career really more important?" See what I mean? Both women face ridicule.

This unending criticism, this social judgment, is the stimulus for my entry today. I have been flooded with many conflicting emotions during my particular experience as I made my own decision for my family concerning this matter. Sadly, I feel as if this judgment has made it impossible for me to sort through these emotions. Even when I have tried to share my feelings with a trusted family member, I was met with the assessment that my conflicting responses meant that God needed to "change” my heart so that I would “want what’s best”. The end result has been a sense of private guilt and shame.

Today I would like to process some of my feelings regarding this transition. For one reason, I feel it is necessary for my own sanity. I simply cannot expect myself to make this transition in to motherhood without sorting through them. For another, I hope other women will feel the freedom to process their own emotions and, ultimately, feel freedom in their own decisions, no matter what that decision is. Finally, maybe I will learn that I am not alone. So here goes…

Twenty years. This is how long it took me to become a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Twelve years of primary and secondary school, three and a half years of college, 2 and a half years of graduate school and two years of post-graduate work. All of my life, all I can remember is working towards this goal. Get good grades, to get to college, to go to graduate school, to get my degree, to get a job, to get experience, to take my test, to get my license, to become a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Twenty years-- more than two-thirds of my life-- and now, I'm not doing it any more. How does one come to terms with no longer pursuing the goal for which most of her life has been about?

Before my son was born, I was the primary bread winner in my family. During the majority of my pregnancy, circumstances were such that my husband and I believed that I would need to remain at work and he would be the stay-at-home parent. (I should note that our closest family member lives more than 180 miles away, so family sitting is not an option for us.) I cannot tell you what a difficult period this was for me. I shed many tears of jealousy as I envisioned my husband getting the joy of being with my son full-time. I very much saw stay-at-home motherhood as a dream of mine and I was shattered that it would not happen. The thought of leaving my new baby and going to work was agonizing. I cannot understate how difficult the thought of working over staying at home was for me.

Well, without boring you with the details, suffice it to say the Lord worked a miracle in our life that allowed the roles to be reversed! My husband was offered full-time work and I would get to be the stay-at-home parent! I was elated…and devastated. What on earth…?!?! This was my response to my own emotions. Enter the emotion: shocked! How on earth could I be feeling sad about something I had prayed for? How could I be disappointed that God gave me the desire of my heart? Enter feeling guilty—guilty that I felt sad about something happening when I just spent months sobbing when I thought it wouldn’t happen!

When the day came for me to quit my job I cried for over an hour before going to the office to speak with my boss. While there were less than 24 hours between my husband’s official “word” from his job finalizing our ability to make this decision and my giving notice at work, I agonized for weeks during my maternity leave over the possibility of the conversation. I quite possibly lost more sleep dreading this moment than I did by my newborn! I kept asking myself, How is this possible? Why is this so hard? Even my husband was confused. He’d say to me, “Dawn, if you really can’t live without work then…” “NO!” I’d reply. “That’s not it.” Well, then, what is it? I ask myself.

In the weeks that have followed, I have felt like I am grieving. I miss work terribly. I feel like I have lost a piece of myself. I don’t really feel like I have fully grown in to the identity of Dawn-the-mom yet but Dawn-the-counselor is a piece of myself that I was solid in. After a little more than 3 years in the field, I was just starting to feel some confidence and competence in my career. I knew what I was doing, most of the time, but, as a mom, I feel clueless. I hate that contrast.Who am I now that I am no longer a counselor? What am I good at?

Of course, when one feels she is not good at anything, she begins to question deeper issues. I asked myself, Am I still valuable to my family and to society now that I’m not working? With people asking me, “What do you do all day long?” I feel the need to justify my day—my existence. This carries over in to my relationship with my husband as I feel the need to pinpoint a list of “productive” things I had done during the day to show him I was not lazy, that I was pulling my weight, that I am valuable. (Of course, he requires no such list, but that’s beside the point.) Somehow, saying, “I fed, changed, clothed, and cared for our son all day!” is not enough. (And any mom can tell you that’s a BIG job!)

I have found myself feeling worthless when I engage with working moms who have eagerly shared both their family and professional triumphs. They seem to have it all. I no longer have professional triumphs to share. I sit quietly while they share various joys and struggles of work and feel like I have nothing to contribute. At the time I have only been away from work about 4 months and can share some thoughts regarding my time working in the not-so-distant past. But I think to myself, How long will they let me talk as if I’m “one of them”? Suddenly, I fear becoming outdated and irrelevant and I see myself like some ancient statue—beautiful in its prime but now eroding with time, becoming covered in vines as if forgotten. The fear of loneliness overtakes me.

I also feel fearful—fearful that I am throwing away a good thing. In this economy, jobs are hard to come by. How could I just throw mine away—not only a job but a job I loved?! I fear I can never go back, to my career that is. I fear losing my skills and knowledge and that the field will continue to evolve…without me.

With all these feelings swirling around in my mind—the obvious emotion results: shame. I have this beautiful baby boy and the miraculous means to be with him full-time. I had prayed for this miracle—a miracle other moms wish they had—and I'm not happy. Well, that’s not true; I am happy—but sad at the same time. Does that make any sense to anybody??? The entanglement of these emotions continues to befuddle me. The fact that I cannot sort these emotions out further complicates things. There have been very few places I have found thus far where my tangled mess is accepted. This adds to my isolation. I no longer “fit” with working moms because I no longer work, but I fear stay-at-home moms think I can’t relate to them because crazy-me can’t stop missing her job while, at the exact same time, is loving being at home.

I tell myself this isn’t forever. I tell myself this is a sacrifice I won’t regret—that it is an investment in my son that can never be recovered. I do think all those things are true but why does it feel like I’m just saying those things to make myself feel better?

And, if I am truly honest, of course I think, Can we really afford just one income? What will life be like if we can no longer afford x, y or z?

I know I have thrown out a lot of questions. What can I say? I have exposed you to the raw places of my heart. I am not looking for anybody to answer these questions for me. I do know many of the answers. I just needed to be real—the allow myself to feel what I’m experiencing and not judge myself. Emotions are not rational so I needed to stop trying to rationalize my way out of them. I do hope I’m not alone in my confusion and that some woman out there can tell me I’m not crazy, but I am also not looking for consolation. I do not need prayer that God will “change”my heart. I know where my heart is. It is at home, with my son. I won’t lie to you. A piece of me will always be Dawn-the-counselor. I hope that part never dies—whether I’m using it professionally or not. I do look forward to the day I can return to my profession and I am sure I will enjoy it as much then as I have thus far. But, in the meantime, I hope the world will stop judging me for doing so. I believe I can be a happy stay-at-home mom and miss being a counselor. Someday, I plan on being a happy counselor and a great mom.

To everyone who knows a mom out there, support the moms in your world no matter what they choose. I am sure they are struggling with their own emotional issues and daily challenges either way. They need your love and encouragement, not your judgment. Give them a safe place to process. Wouldn’t you want the same for yourself? I am sure that they will be better moms for your support.

To the working moms out there, I applaud you. You are juggling many balls and if you are anything like most moms I know, you leave the left-over scraps for yourself. I have no doubt that from my side of the fence you appear to have it all, be it all and still live to tell about it, but that, in reality, you are exhausted and that my side of the fence looks pretty darn good. I am not better than you and I hope my confessions give you a glimpse in to some of the reality of life on my side of the fence. I promise you it is not all daisies and roses. I suppose that we each will have something the other desires. I respect you for all you do and believe your children respect you (or will when they are old enough to do so)! Don’t let anyone look down on you for the decision you made. You and your family should have to answer to no one but one another.

And, to the stay-at-home moms out there, if your experience is anything like mine, at least now you know you are not alone. I can't tell you what all these emotions mean or how to fix them but I'm pretty sure we are not bad moms for having them. There is not much else I can say beyond that because I have no resolutions for myself yet. As you can see, I’m still pretty muddled about the whole thing. But, what I can tell you is that if we are crazy for feeling this way, at least you’ll have a friend at the funny farm!;)