Ordinary Need Not Apply

Help Wanted:

Multiple family-owned organizations currently seeking female candidates for long-term position.

In most cases, candidates should be available for a 40-week pre-employment preparation period, during which time, she will be asked to share her body with another living being. The tasks involved in the preparation period could possibly cause mild, moderate, or significant physiological discomfort, including, but not limited to fatigue and insomnia, nausea, vomiting, heart burn, hemorrhoids, bloating, bleeding of the gums, sensitivity to smells, constipation or diarrhea, frequent urination, feelings of dizziness, light-headedness, and/or inability to stand up suddenly without feeling like one will pass out. Extreme emotional changes are also likely. Furthermore, the preparation period will, most likely, permanently alter the candidate’s physiological landscape. Finally, the transition from the preparation period to full-time employment will require grueling physical labor and substantial physical pain.

The permanent position will involve the long-term care and protection of another tiny human being. This will involve providing and/or completing any and all daily needs for the tiny human. Candidates seeking this position will possess knowledge of and/or skills, or the willingness to learn, in the following areas:

-          Child-rearing and child development - must monitor and foster physical, intellectual, and emotional growth on target with developmental milestones from birth to age 18. Must have knowledge in use and administration of appropriate discipline techniques that develop appropriate behavior as well as a well-balanced and positive psyche.

-          Healthcare - must be able to administer first-aid, provide basic illness management care for any and all common or uncommon illnesses, and respond appropriately in the event of a choking emergency

-          Education - expected to teach, progress, and model learning in all subjects, both academic and non-academic related, in order to prepare the tiny human for appropriate societal functioning. While third-party formal schooling may be available for the tiny human, significant preparation will be expected prior to enrollment and it should not be anticipated to provide an exhaustive instruction on any and all subjects. A working encyclopedia-like knowledge of any and all topics is a plus in order to field incessant “why” questions that can occur.  

-          Food services - will be in charge of all food selection and preparation while upholding the highest of nutritional standards. Chosen candidates will also be in charge of feeding the tiny human at all snacks and meals until the tiny human learns to feed himself. Furthermore, the need to provide extensive clean-up services of facilities, tiny human and self will be likely following each meal.

-          Activities director - expected to plan and execute daily activities that are both educational, entertaining, and preferably engaging the tiny human for longer than 3 minutes

-          Secretarial work - in charge of organizing, scheduling, and ensuring the attendance of all appointments, educational requirements, medical necessities, and/or social engagements

-          Personal shopper - ensuring the tiny human has all things necessary for growth and development, including shelter, clothes, toys, books, bedding, furniture, eating utensils, safety equipment, items necessary for bathing, items necessary for travel, items necessary for the replacement of all other items should they break, get lost, or become otherwise unusable. The provision for all these items is expected to come from the employee’s personal financial resources.

-          Maid -  responsible for cleaning up after the tiny human, at least until he learns to clean up after himself. This could include repeating certain tasks, such as sweeping, vacuuming, laundering, or tidying, several times in one day or even one hour.

-          Chauffeur - must transport the tiny human to all engagements. The demands of this duty will likely intensify with time.

Additional skills a plus:

-          Ability to sing

-          Ability to play make-believe

-          Ability to build forts with household items

-          Ability to coach a soccer team

-          Ability chase fast-moving objects

-          Ability to wash gum out of hair

-          Ability to clean crayon off of walls

-          Ability to make a snowman, a paper airplane, and/or a chocolate chip cookies

-          Willingness to rarely leave home alone

-          Willingness to rarely use the restroom alone

-          Willingness to share one’s own plate of food most meals, and/or eat meals cold

-          Willingness to be peed on, pooped up, and/or puked on

-          Willingness to have personal clothing stained by said pee, poop, or puke

If chosen candidates feel ill-equipped in any of these areas, they will still be expected to perform the duties and learn the skills on the job as soon as possible. Furthermore, as the tiny human grows, so will the day-to-day duties and the expectations therein. Well-qualified candidates will be ready and willing to flex with the ever-changing nature of this position.

These duties will almost certainly require a 12-18 hour work day, 7 days a week; however, appointed candidates are to remain on-call 24/7, 365 days a year. Overnight shifts will also be required, especially during the first several months, but intermittently and unpredictably for the duration of the appointment. Willingness to live life on minimal sleep a must.

Candidates must be able to lift, carry, and /or maneuver at least 50 lbs, possibly in both arms at one time, or supported by extremities other than one’s arms. Examples include carrying the tiny human in one arm and packages in another, supporting the weight of the tiny human as he clings to one’s leg while one is moving, or safely wrestling the tiny human to ensure safety while dressing or changing.

The ability to manage multiple tasks, many of them life-altering, at one time, while under extreme sleep deprivation and psychological stress is a necessity. The ideal candidate will value a challenge and prefer jobs which seem never done. Chosen candidates will be expected to use any and all personal resources, whether they be physical, emotional, or financial, to ensure the safety of the tiny human, and promote its growth and well-being.

Opportunities for advancement are available to those who desire a greater challenge. This involves the charge of additional tiny humans, all with the same needs and requiring the same responsibilities. The preparation period is also likely to be repeated.

Candidates must be prepared for an 18-year appointment, at minimum, for each tiny human in their charge, with some responsibilities enduring for the remainder of their lifetime. The appointment has no escape clause, no allowance for termination whatsoever. There is also no monetary compensation, no stock options, no sick leave, no paid vacation, no employment benefits of any kind for this appointment. There is likely to be little to no verbal feedback regarding one’s performance, at least for several years. 

Please note: this job description is a mere summary of the requirements for this position and is to be consider, by no means, exhaustive or definitive. Additional duties, both foreseen and unforeseen can be added at any time.

Interested parties should apply in person.

* * * * 

Hello all! I know that I have not written anything on this blog for quite some time and most of you probably thought I had given it up. Well, the truth is, I did not give it up; however, time and life have kept me from it. Also, more importantly, nothing worth publishing for the world has come to my heart. So, after all this time, why this post?

The last you heard from me I was a new mommy struggling to find my place outside the workforce and inside the home. The job description I just gave you hardly instills confidence in you regarding my longstanding and/or blossoming love of being a mom in the last year. You must be thinking, “Poor girl must have really had it rough!” The truth is, the last year has been one of the happiest of my life. The challenges of being a mom have taken me to depths within myself I never knew existed. I have found I have more strength, more courage, more endurance, more patience, and more wisdom than I would have ever imagined! Motherhood has trials that no other life event can replicate and, therefore, develops character traits you’ll get nowhere else! I have laughed more from pure joy in the last year than any comedy movie could hope to generate! I stand behind my first blog post: motherhood makes life better in ways I could have never imagined!

That’s why I’m doing it again! Yup, I’m 10 weeks pregnant with baby #2 (who we affectionately call “Sidekick”)!

So, again, I can hear you asking me, “Dawn, if motherhood is so great, why this post and why write a job description that would send any sane person running for the hills?”

I will tell you why: because I need encouragement. I need to hear (if only from myself) that I can do this again. I need to have some inkling that what I’m doing in this motherhood thing is somewhere in the vicinity of right. I am currently in the throes of morning [and noon and night] sickness and wondering if I’m going to have the strength to make it through the day taking care of the one child I already have, let alone adding another child to the mix! I can barely keep my head above water with daily tasks of necessity and I think I can do this with two??!? I already feel like I am ruining the one I've got! I am having a serious “What was I thinking?” moment, and, to be completely truthful, multiple such moments in a day!

So, in trying to rescue myself from a sea of worry and panic, I set myself to thinking about what it is about parenting two children that scares me so much. I thought and I thought and while dozens of “What if this…” and “What if that…” fears came to my head, I realized that all my fears could be boiled down to one simple problem: self-doubt, the nemesis of any well-intentioned mother I have ever met, including myself. Once again, I have fallen victim to the belief that, despite all my tireless efforts as a mom, I am still somehow failing my son and he is going to grow up to be…*gasp!*…less than perfect! 

That’s when the laughing started in my head! The absurdity of my own expectations finally sunk in.

Let’s be honest, moms. We are never good enough in our own eyes, are we? We have set for ourselves impossible standards of ultimate perfection that are not only unlivable for ourselves, but are also unlivable for our children! This brings up a slew of problems among mothers today that are best left for another blog post; however, I think I made my point. I, similar to just about every mother I have ever met, just need to take a moment and reflect on what it is I really do every day as a mom and give myself a little credit. Am I perfect? By no means! Will I ever be? Not on your life! However, the job I do every single day, as outlined in my job description above, is nothing to snivel at! I may not be teaching my kid to speak 3 languages from birth; my kid may not have learned to play the piano before he learned to walk; and I may use the word “no” with my kid from time to time rather than some emotionally uplifting and self-esteem developing redirection word, but you know, I think my kid is still going to turn out okay! And I can do this two-kid thing because, even though I’m not a perfect mom, I’m a pretty decent one!

I encourage every mom to take some time to re-read her job description (I have to confess that, while the diction of this particular description is entirely my own, the idea was not.) and contemplate the magnitude of what she does every day. I hope the job description makes you chuckle, as it does me, because, when it does, I believe a little bit of our self-doubt dies, and some of our perfect expectations along with it. We moms do more than I could ever hope to capture on paper. We should never doubt ourselves because we do a job that looks impossible on paper. The truth is this job description, if it were real, would make any ordinary person run for the hills!

But then, again, this job is real…and you didn't run, did you?

Image courtesy of arztsamui,/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net